Kind, Happy,Honest & Present

A friend of mine sent me an email the other day and it really got me thinking about what is it that we get from a relationship/partnership or marriage.

His statement which I formed into a question was, " Does the relationship we're in make us a better person? Are we kinder, happier, more honest, more present?" He went on to say that this is the justification for the hard work. This seems so simple to answer.

Did my relationship for the past 16 years help to make me a kinder person?

I may have been less kind to others. Since I know I wasn't happy or being true to myself this caused stress and I had less energy to spend on kindness. I wasn't kind to my wife. I mostly just wanted to keep the peace. Being kind was not a daily ritual. The marriage can't take credit for any kindness I exuded while in the relationship.

Was I happier? Did the relationship making me grow into happiness? I did learn to be Happy with what I had. I can remember telling myself that although I wasn't happy at least I'm happier than I would be if I didn't have a relationship/family. My happiness never grew but the resentment grew strong.

Honesty. Was I becoming more honest? Since I wasn't allowed to be myself I had to cover up and lie about myself. I didn't have a mistress or fool around but I was becoming less honest with who I was. I couldn't be honest because that meant being myself which was not allowed in the relationship. Now it's clear how distorted I was becoming. I had become less honest.

More present?

Did the relationship help me to be more present? When ever I think of the word present I think of Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now". Eckhart wrote, "Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be" This scared me. I didn't want the life I had as far as my relationship was concerened. Since our relationships define so much of who we are and take tons of time and energy this frightened me. I can remember many times hearing my partner telling me I need to be more present. I'd get on these rolls of thought where I could start to project my life in the future. I was never guilty of living in the past but the relationship helped me to live in the future. It was a way to escape.

So now that I'm in my first post marriage relationship I must ask the question. Am I a better person because of my relationship? Is the relationship helping me to improve myself?

Am I a kinder person? I find the kindness I serve my partner with spills over into other areas of my life. I find myself kinder to my children. More loving, more giving. I also think my friends will agree that I'm kinder. I find myself looking for things to do for my kids, my lover and my friends. Not because I want them to like or accept me but because I do it without expecting anything in return.

Does my relationship make me happier?

Everyday my relationship makes me happier. I feel light, soft, gentle, accepting, forgiving and happier. My needs are satisfied by my partner and since I'm allowed to satisfy her needs it get ratcheted up a notch by both of us. It's a perpetual motion of happiness climbing higher and higher.

Have I become more honest?

I don't lie to my partner. I tell her everything that's in my head. I don't have to lie because I know the love she has for me is pure.

I don't lie to myself anymore. I allow the honesty of ME to just be. This is because I'm in a relationship that's accepting of me being who I am and not who my ego is. Honesty isn't just the opposite of dishonest it's also living true to self.

Am I more present?

Absolutely. sometimes I find myself so much in the moment that I feel lost but with a sense of peace. I don't know where I came from or where I'm going just "being" lost in the present. When I feel everything and am aware of life's God energy pulsing from every living thing around me. When I'm in the present I can feel, see , hear , touch, taste the Orchestra of life! I am in tune with the rhythm of the world. It flows around me and through me. I am present and I am connected with all energy. It's the most incredible experience I've ever had.

All this relationship stuff can be work and sometimes challanging.
It can be hard work but most of the time it comes easy. It's a labor of love. As another dear friend told me she enjoys working on the relationship. Making it better. It's less like a job but more like working on a piece of music, sculpture or laboring in a garden. It's the creative work that inspires us.